I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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