Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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