No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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