riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
