I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
