A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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