I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i came on her dog
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
