My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
