my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
