I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
