We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
