I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
