When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Randomize
