my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
