good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
