Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
