he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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