ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
