I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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