So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
