Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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