While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I need moral support for this bender
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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