textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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