I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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