I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
