The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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