the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
