my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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