somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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