Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
