i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
