I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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