I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
