oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
