I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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