I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
