And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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