I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
