I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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