yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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