I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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