Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
