$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
