Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
