You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
