I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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