Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
