When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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