God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
