wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
