I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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