Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
