Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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