I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
