I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
