Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
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I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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