im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
