The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
